I’m not much of one for cars, especially since a certain defenseman’s Lamborghini just makes me laugh. But scars? For bikini season, we thought we’d bring back this gem MDZ is sporting:
“When Evgeni Malkin cut me with a skate I felt lucky to have ribs. I got 50 stitches, no staples. I’ve had to work hard on balancing my lats ever since. But I have to say, it’s a great icebreaker, especially at the beach. Like they say chicks dig scars.” – New York Rangers’ Michael Del Zotto [video – no visible blood]
Now that it’s June, we might as well start talking about the elephant in the room: will the Caps re-sign Mike Green this summer?
Or, more accurately, does anyone want to see my meltdown if they don’t?
Before I put my head in an oven like Kate Winslet in The Holiday, please read this hilarious RMNB piece: “Year End Review: Mike Green.”
Fidget will become a restricted free agent on July 1. If this is new to you, read the rules here. Basically the Caps have to make a “qualifying offer” equal to his $5 million/year salary to retain his rights. Mike can wait to see what other teams might bid, then the Caps have the option to match it. If Mike doesn’t stay, the Caps would get draft picks as compensation from wherever he goes.
Mike doesn’t want to leave me DC. He told CSNWashington: “Absolutely, I love it here,” he said. “This is a great organization, a great city and I believe that we’re going to win a Cup here and I want to be a part of it.”
He’d better say that.
The story will come down to what the Caps are willing to pay. Mike had a couple of killer seasons, including back-to-back Norris Trophy nominations and the standing record for longest goal-scoring streak by a d-man (8 games). The last two years he’s struggled with injuries, a more defensive system, increasingly skinny jeans and falling down.
People love to blame Mike for everything, and I get it (sometimes). It’s frustrating when key guys don’t produce. If that were a song, the Caps could play it during pre-game skate. He is not alone in the doghouse, but it is expensive to feed him at this rate.
Alas, here are the top 25 paid defensemen for last season [link]. Mike is #25. Recent contracts to guys like Duncan Keith ($8 mil/yr) and Brent Seabrook ($7 mil/yr) have seen prices skyrocket for elite defensemen. Shea Weber went to arbitration last summer and got $7.5 million, just to be an RFA again this year. They’ll be printing money with his face on it.
The last two years, these guys are out of Mike’s league. He hasn’t been an impact player. Accident or incident? Who knows. But two/three years ago, Mike was right up there. He’s still only 26 – Doughty (22) is the only d-man on the list who’s younger. Do the Caps gamble on keeping their Young Guns together for the promise of another run? That requires more question marks, like ‘Has Ovi turned a corner?’ and ‘Will Semin be Sasha Fierce every day?’ (Semin’s an unrestricted free agent, and that’s gonna get ugly.)
Maybe we just need more guyliner.
There’s also the fact that the Caps have &#%@ all else on the blue line. Put Karlzner aside (iCarly is an RFA too – get paid, son!). Who are we left with? The stonewall defense pairing of Jeff Shultz and Dmitry Orlov? Hamrlik and Wideman? Wideman’s a UFA, don’t plan on seeing him in October. Unless the Caps have their eye on another defenseman to fill Mike’s skates, this squad couldn’t stop the WUYS Kickball Team.
Back when Mike was… scoring more points? That hurts.
Blergh. I obviously believe in Mike. Am I an eternal optimist or a sucker for a lost cause? When he’s good, he’s so, so good. Confidence and the consistency of regular play are the keys for Mike. Right now, I want to grab him and shake him and make him write a list of ten things he likes about himself. A full season can turn him around and he is worth $5 million, damn it!
If the Caps won’t take the chance on Mike, someone else will. Let’s hope that day never comes – I won’t be the only one hitting a low point.
We have to make a whole category for this if we’re going to get through the off-season. Can someone remind me what we did in the summer before Twitter? How did we ever know:
Who makes double entendres with random-yet-endearing capitalization?
What Ebs dreams of when he looks in the mirror?
Who needs you to bring them a beer?
Who will buy you popcorn at the movies?
Who thinks college is way different than it really is?
But gets everything else so right?
With all this, a tan, and the potential of a Mike Richards/Jeff Carter Stanley Cup party to contemplate, I think we might get to September after all.
Monday I said, “Can we get an off-season photo of Steven Stamkos?” If he started wearing a ponytail for the summer, I want get my crying out of the way before workout videos start to pop up.
Today, VOILA.
This video of Steven accepting an award for being Steven-tastic not only includes him talking on a child’s plastic telephone and being chased around a Christmas tree by a toddler in a pillow fight, but also HE CUT HIS HAIR.
YAAAYY…WAIT. I’m not sure we’re going on by his ear – can someone just push his hair back there? With the super-high collar, this look is a little too “nervous religious-affiliated high school graduation” for me. Is it too short? Too vanilla?
Uh oh, I kinda miss the long hair! Just a little flow, like this:
Nothing crazy, like when he was working weekends pumping gas for gator trawlers in the Everglades:
No? I’m just used to looking through 3D glasses and now the world seems all flat and ordinary? This was really the best:
Can you argue with advertising campaigns?
I hate to start asking already if it’s October yet… I’ll try to hold off. Stammer was having a shoulder issue late in the season, and says it’s feeling better after a month off [link]. He’ll be in Vegas for the NHL Awards, accepting the Rocket Richard trophy for his 60-goal performance and as a nominee for the Hart Trophy. There’s a negative-seven percent chance he’ll have any kind of tan, so pack your sunglasses.
This is what happens in summer, y’all: style consultations and gratuitous cross-sports graphics.
OK – SRSLY – I am so watching Tampa Bay now. Where have you been – Mr. Under the Radar.
I’m in love AGAIN! But that’s OK. It happens all the time. Y’all are used to it by now. With the hunt for Lord Stanley in full swing the rest of the World has this going on.
Look closely for the dancing ping pong players circling in the background. There are better things I can think of doing with those balls boys – just sayin’ if I was there.
Why can’t this get spread out … like over summer when there is a HUGE DROUGHT OF NOTHINGNESS going on?
Somewhere is Sweden there is a hotel packed to the gills with this hot mess happening (link). Varför kan inte detta vara mig på Viktor Hedmans knä?
Paulina Gretzky did male hockey fans a favor by getting frisky all over Instagram this week. If you heard DC’s Elliot in the Morning today, it was a gem. But it’s a little unfair, don’t you think? They get bikinis and we get beards?
Ladies, don’t worry. Sweden never lets us down.
No really, they help everybody.
We would much rather see this face in the playoffs, but I’m coping much better with the Blackhawks off-season by knowing that Viktor Stalberg must have a cameo in Marvel’s The Avengers. I bet he’s defeating evil and restoring justice to a world where everyone has access to whitening toothpaste.
Check out which of your favorite NHL players have joined their national teams for the IIHF World Championships here. The tournament competition starts May 4 and you can follow it here.
Whatever you’re doing right now, it’s not as much fun as watching Viktor Stalberg speak Swedish [video]. I need him (or Hammer, below) to teach me to correctly pronounce all the names in The Girl Who Kicked the Hornet’s Nest.
For a few days after something bad happens, you don’t want to be cheered up. You want to drown in a cocktail shaker or eat an entire wedding cake. If you’re me, you picked a bright orange heavy bag and kickboxed the crap out of it a la Captain America.
Then life goes on. Other teams win and lose, and to keep me from slipping out of reach after last night’s Blackhawks loss, I need a moment to thank the Penguins for a great season.
Prom Night 2012. They obviously tried to take the photo before Letang showed up, but no such luck. The man even looks good in a ponytail.
The waiting was the hardest part. I held my breath a lot, exhaling mostly in the form of cheers for for Malkin and Neal and all those beautiful points. When Crosby was finally back for good, all I could do was sigh.
At the end, the Penguins went a little haywire. Their top-of-the-line hardware should run like a fighter jet, but somewhere in the programming the machine became human. Their system fell apart in the first three games vs. Philly and couldn’t recover. But like the computer you’re on right now, you don’t throw it away when it malfunctions. You smack it and threaten to chuck it out the window, but really you just shut down, wait a minute and reboot.
Or you go on summer vacation.
To send the Pens off, here are a few things we demand to see this summer.
We Want: James Neal in Glasses
Nealmobile once came a contact lense away from a career-ending eye injury [link]. He could have been finger painting like Doug Dorsey! Thank God for small miracles. Where there are contacts, there are glasses, and some super sleuth found them in NHL36:
The old adage “boys don’t make passes at girls who wear glasses” is not at all true for girls. We LOVE your glasses (without ever seeing you wear them). In fact, how dare you deprive us? Mike Green would never do that. Since it’s only April and you’re gone, at least give us this.
We Want: Geno’s T-Shirt Collection
We didn’t get enough hilarity out of Geno’s wardrobe this year. The man alternately shops at Charlotte Russe and the Hustler Store, which can only mean one thing: we can’t wait to see what he’s wearing at the high-roller table in Vegas when he picks up that Hart Trophy.
We Want: Niskanen and Sullivan
Matt Niskanen’s (RFA) middle name is Norman for heaven’s sake. Sullivan (UFA) fits in on any line and plays like he’s in his twenties. Sign them now.
We Want: Workout Videos
Show us how hard you’re working, how dedicated you are to the new season. That’s what these videos are about, right? Last year we posted Kris Letang’s [link] and you guys all disappeared for a week. Maybe this year, James Neal won’t be ignored in the Camp Biosteel videos.
I think that’s everything we need for the next five months. Players eat their Wheaties and do their squats while we save up cash for tickets and merch. See you all in Septemb… hahahaha. RIGHT.
We Want:
Crosby, where are the rest of these pictures?
Caption removed for inadequacy.
And even this.
Neal's going to need a lot of help putting on that SPF 75.
Yesterday’s NHL Trade Deadline was a snore. I thought Twitter might melt from all the ennui and complaints, or Alyonka Larianov’s increasingly desperate attempts to hold our interest. Here’s how things shook out [link].
John Scott was “shocked” to be traded to the Rangers, and was in the middle of doing laundry when the call came. Bonus points for Foxy Fridays Matt Duchene and Gabriel Landeskog, who led the Avalanche love-fest for players both coming and going by Tweeting their teammates hello and goodbye simultaneously. Brian Rolston goes back to Boston, where he played 4+ seasons. The winners are anyone leaving the Islanders or Jets, and anyone going to the Canucks. The abstainer was The Washington Capitals. The loser? Rick Nash. Let’s discuss.
The Washington Capitals made zero trades, surprising a lot of people. This seems to say that GMGM either 1) thinks the team is fine the way it is or 2) has given up on this season. In my opinion, it’s more likely that no one was buying at his prices. The Caps chemistry is flawed and inconsistent, but it doesn’t need to be burned to the ground. GMGM showed continued/expensive faith in stars and fragile pandas (Sasha Fierce, Mike Green).
Misplaced faith? Ask me in six weeks when the Caps don’t make the playoffs. But what they had to sell (Knuble, Hamrlik) really only matches the Rolston/Mottau deal, and that was for prospects. The Caps need players who can deliver immediately. To get those guys, GMGM would have had to give up some of the few things that are actually working for the Caps. I don’t want Laich, Chimera, Perreault or anyone else moving when they seem to be the only hopes left for March and April.
Then there’s poor Rick Nash. Chuck and I are biased because we love his smiley lumberjack ways. Also because he’s incredibly talented and seems like a genuinely nice guy. But he’s no fool. All Nash has to show for 9 seasons with the Blue Jackets is one trip to the playoffs, swept by the Red Wings. The only place this captain is going is down with his ship – so he finally wanted off.
Columbus GM Scott Howson revealed yesterday that Nash asked to be traded [link]. This refuted talk the Jackets were shopping him of their own accord, and came as the clock ticked down on the biggest fish in the trade pond still trying to bite a hook. But no team would put out enough bait. Howson defended his astronomical asking price by pointing out he is neither required nor compelled to trade Nash just because he asked nicely.
How many of these are left in Columbus?
Now, I’m mad. Howson threw Nash under the bus. “Think you’re miserable now? See how it feels when I turn the fans against you!” (Obviously not a real Howson quote.) If Rick can’t get out of Columbus this summer, my heart will break. He wanted to anchor that team and be the franchise guy that built a winning club. Columbus has not delivered. The Jackets are talking about “rebuilding” – rebuilding what?! You have one Nash-shaped support beam and no house! You never did.
In truth, the Jackets can’t afford to sell Nash unless they immediately start winning in return. Rick’s price tag is something between a ransom and a bounty. He’s all they have right now, after supposed big moves like Jeff Carter are quickly forgotten. Columbus ranks 26th overall in NHL attendance, due in part to being so close to other teams (Pittsburgh fans call match-ups in Columbus “home games.”). Nash is putting bodies in seats on nights when no one else can. Without him….
I also feel for the Jackets’ fans; of course they don’t want to lose their one bright spot. These fans, all the more precious for being in an expansion market, have stuck with the team like Nash has. I hope they understand the position he’s in. They can still get solid players in a Nash trade. Come summer, teams struggling to make the playoffs now will have time to figure out what a fresh start with Nash is worth. After what will be the Jackets’ 11th rough season in a row, it’s certainly worth a try.
You knew it was coming. Captain Serious cannot be outdone in any category (especially his own category) – he was just saving the best for last. Taking a (really too obvious but keep doing squats and we don’t care) page from 24/7, Blackhawks TV once again brings you the best hockey programming around. Carter, Lindsay and you (yes, you) – enjoy:
Of course JT isn’t the only one working hard. Hammer can be my Field Day partner – check out that one-legged long jump distance. Duncan Keith’s quad is the size of my waist:
Seabrook’s hair is a World Wonder:
And Kaner owns this balance measure… he once used it as a sobriety test.
We see you, lady at the table. Eyes on his feet!
The Hawks kick off the season tonight in Dallas. The game is on NHL Center Ice, so if you want to come over just bring pizza.
It’s time to predict the eventual winners for the 2011-2012 season, so we can look smart and important when spring rolls around. Or not. Last year we all picked some combo of the Caps, Blackhawks, Canucks and Penguins [link]. That 25% result is less than the chance that Intern Jeff Skinner’s going to take you to the prom. So here we go again:
CHUCK:
Eastern Conference Finals: Bruins vs. Capitals
Eastern Conference Champs: Bruins
Western Conference Finals: Canucks vs. Kings
Western Conference Champs: Kings
Stanley Cup Champs: Bruins
We all know that repeating as champs is nigh impossible though in the NHL these days, but the Bruins only lost two players to free agency (Kaberle & Ryder) and 1 to retirement (Recchi). The heart and soul of the Bruins are still here. Bruins have arguably the best and deepest set of forwards in the game and can get production from all 4 lines. Plus, let’s not forget that you have Tuukka Rask, a top-notch goalie in his own right, backing up Thomas.
Kings are my dark horse team. After picking up Mike Richards and Simon Gagne and resigning Drew Doughty, the Kings look to be a serious contender in the Western Conference. They have good young netminder in Jonathan Quick and if Gagne and Anze Kopitar can stay healthy, they could be the team to watch.
PANTS
Eastern Conference finals: Penguins vs. Capitals
Eastern Conference Champs: Penguins
Western Conference finals: Canucks vs. Sharks
Western Conference Champs: Canucks
Stanley Cup Champs: Penguins
Like everyone else, I think the Capitals will be a force to reckon with this season. It’s (mostly) selfish hope that they will carry it all the way into the playoffs, so I can have the longest hockey season ever. But I think the Pens will be strong early with Malkin and Staal in, and maybe James Neal will get his scoring touch back. The Return of Crosby will be like Willy Wonka somersaulting down the orange carpet to greet his lucky minions at the gate. Chocolate Stanley Cups for everyone!
Much like the Caps, I think the Sharks are long overdue for a dominating post-season performance. They’ve won their division the last four years in a row and made it to the Conference finals the last two years. Ultimately I don’t see them beating Vancouver, but I think they can do better than last May’s 4-1 failfest.
So, let’s hear it – who are your picks to have a great 2011-2012? Feel free to shamelessly back your favorite teams – we obviously have. Don’t hate us because they’re awesome.
What's Up, Ya Sieve? 