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Scars & Cars

6 Jun

I’m not much of one for cars, especially since a certain defenseman’s Lamborghini just makes me laugh.  But scars?  For bikini season, we thought we’d bring back this gem MDZ is sporting:

“When Evgeni Malkin cut me with a skate I felt lucky to have ribs. I got 50 stitches, no staples. I’ve had to work hard on balancing my lats ever since. But I have to say, it’s a great icebreaker, especially at the beach. Like they say chicks dig scars.” – New York Rangers’ Michael Del Zotto [video – no visible blood]

What say you – do chicks dig scars?

It goes with this face.

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Mikey Monday: Don’t Go

4 Jun

Now that it’s June, we might as well start talking about the elephant in the room: will the Caps re-sign Mike Green this summer?

Or, more accurately, does anyone want to see my meltdown if they don’t?

Before I put my head in an oven like Kate Winslet in The Holiday, please read this hilarious RMNB piece: “Year End Review: Mike Green.

Fidget will become a restricted free agent on July 1.  If this is new to you, read the rules here.  Basically the Caps have to make a “qualifying offer” equal to his $5 million/year salary to retain his rights.  Mike can wait to see what other teams might bid, then the Caps have the option to match it.  If Mike doesn’t stay, the Caps would get draft picks as compensation from wherever he goes.

Mike doesn’t want to leave me DC.  He told CSNWashington: “Absolutely, I love it here,” he said. “This is a great organization, a great city and I believe that we’re going to win a Cup here and I want to be a part of it.”

He’d better say that.

The story will come down to what the Caps are willing to pay.  Mike had a couple of killer seasons, including back-to-back Norris Trophy nominations and the standing record for longest goal-scoring streak by a d-man (8 games).  The last two years he’s struggled with injuries, a more defensive system, increasingly skinny jeans and falling down.

People love to blame Mike for everything, and I get it (sometimes).  It’s frustrating when key guys don’t produce.  If that were a song, the Caps could play it during pre-game skate.  He is not alone in the doghouse, but it is expensive to feed him at this rate.

Alas, here are the top 25 paid defensemen for last season [link].  Mike is #25.  Recent contracts to guys like Duncan Keith ($8 mil/yr) and Brent Seabrook ($7 mil/yr) have seen prices skyrocket for elite defensemen.  Shea Weber went to arbitration last summer and got $7.5 million, just to be an RFA again this year.  They’ll be printing money with his face on it.

The last two years, these guys are out of Mike’s league.  He hasn’t been an impact player.  Accident or incident?  Who knows.  But two/three years ago, Mike was right up there.  He’s still only 26 – Doughty (22) is the only d-man on the list who’s younger.  Do the Caps gamble on keeping their Young Guns together for the promise of another run?  That requires more question marks, like ‘Has Ovi turned a corner?’ and ‘Will Semin be Sasha Fierce every day?’ (Semin’s an unrestricted free agent, and that’s gonna get ugly.)

Maybe we just need more guyliner.

There’s also the fact that the Caps have &#%@ all else on the blue line.  Put Karlzner aside (iCarly is an RFA too – get paid, son!).  Who are we left with?  The stonewall defense pairing of Jeff Shultz and Dmitry Orlov?  Hamrlik and Wideman?  Wideman’s a UFA, don’t plan on seeing him in October.  Unless the Caps have their eye on another defenseman to fill Mike’s skates, this squad couldn’t stop the WUYS Kickball Team.

Back when Mike was… scoring more points? That hurts.

Blergh. I obviously believe in Mike.  Am I an eternal optimist or a sucker for a lost cause?  When he’s good, he’s so, so good.  Confidence and the consistency of regular play are the keys for Mike.  Right now, I want to grab him and shake him and make him write a list of ten things he likes about himself.  A full season can turn him around and he is worth $5 million, damn it!

If the Caps won’t take the chance on Mike, someone else will.  Let’s hope that day never comes – I won’t be the only one hitting a low point.

Best of Twitter

4 Jun

We have to make a whole category for this if we’re going to get through the off-season.  Can someone remind me what we did in the summer before Twitter?  How did we ever know:

Who makes double entendres with random-yet-endearing capitalization?

What Ebs dreams of when he looks in the mirror?

Who needs you to bring them a beer?

Who will buy you popcorn at the movies?

Who thinks college is way different than it really is?

But gets everything else so right?

With all this, a tan, and the potential of a Mike Richards/Jeff Carter Stanley Cup party to contemplate, I think we might get to September after all.

Beauty School Dropout

25 May

Monday I said, “Can we get an off-season photo of Steven Stamkos?”  If he started wearing a ponytail for the summer, I want get my crying out of the way before workout videos start to pop up.

Today, VOILA.

This video of Steven accepting an award for being Steven-tastic not only includes him talking on a child’s plastic telephone and being chased around a Christmas tree by a toddler in a pillow fight, but also HE CUT HIS HAIR.

YAAAYY…WAIT.  I’m not sure we’re going on by his ear – can someone just push his hair back there?  With the super-high collar, this look is a little too “nervous religious-affiliated high school graduation”  for me.  Is it too short?  Too vanilla?

Uh oh, I kinda miss the long hair!  Just a little flow, like this:

Nothing crazy, like when he was working weekends pumping gas for gator trawlers in the Everglades:

No?  I’m just used to looking through 3D glasses and now the world seems all flat and ordinary?  This was really the best:

Can you argue with advertising campaigns?

I hate to start asking already if it’s October yet… I’ll try to hold off.  Stammer was having a shoulder issue late in the season, and says it’s feeling better after a month off [link].  He’ll be in Vegas for the NHL Awards, accepting the Rocket Richard trophy for his 60-goal performance and as a nominee for the Hart Trophy.  There’s a negative-seven percent chance he’ll have any kind of tan, so pack your sunglasses.

This is what happens in summer, y’all: style consultations and gratuitous cross-sports graphics.

You Give Us ABBA and I Raise You A LMFAO – Viktor

8 May

OK – SRSLY – I am so watching Tampa Bay now. Where have you been – Mr. Under the Radar.

I’m in love AGAIN! But that’s OK. It happens all the time. Y’all are used to it by now. With the hunt for Lord Stanley in full swing the rest of the World has this going on.

Look closely for the dancing ping pong players circling in the background. There are better things I can think of doing with those balls boys – just sayin’ if I was there.

Why can’t this get spread out … like over summer when there is a HUGE DROUGHT OF NOTHINGNESS going on?

Somewhere is Sweden there is a hotel packed to the gills with this hot mess happening (link). Varför kan inte detta vara mig på Viktor Hedmans knä?

Team Sweden

1 May

Paulina Gretzky did male hockey fans a favor by getting frisky all over Instagram this week.  If you heard DC’s Elliot in the Morning today, it was a gem.  But it’s a little unfair, don’t you think?  They get bikinis and we get beards?

Ladies, don’t worry.  Sweden never lets us down.

No really, they help everybody.

We would much rather see this face in the playoffs, but I’m coping much better with the Blackhawks off-season by knowing that Viktor Stalberg must have a cameo in Marvel’s The Avengers.  I bet he’s defeating evil and restoring justice to a world where everyone has access to whitening toothpaste.

Sigh.  Superheros are so hot right now.

Amen and thank you, Brittany. (@kneesandtoews)

Check out which of your favorite NHL players have joined their national teams for the IIHF World Championships here.  The tournament competition starts May 4 and you can follow it here.

Whatever you’re doing right now, it’s not as much fun as watching Viktor Stalberg speak Swedish [video].  I need him (or Hammer, below) to teach me to correctly pronounce all the names in The Girl Who Kicked the Hornet’s Nest.

Cruel Summer – Penguins

24 Apr

For a few days after something bad happens, you don’t want to be cheered up.  You want to drown in a cocktail shaker or eat an entire wedding cake.  If you’re me, you picked a bright orange heavy bag and kickboxed the crap out of it a la Captain America.

Then life goes on.  Other teams win and lose, and to keep me from slipping out of reach after last night’s Blackhawks loss, I need a moment to thank the Penguins for a great season.

Prom Night 2012. They obviously tried to take the photo before Letang showed up, but no such luck. The man even looks good in a ponytail.

The waiting was the hardest part.   I held my breath a lot, exhaling mostly in the form of cheers for for Malkin and Neal and all those beautiful points.  When Crosby was finally back for good, all I could do was sigh.

At the end, the Penguins went a little haywire.  Their top-of-the-line hardware should run like a fighter jet, but somewhere in the programming the machine became human.  Their system fell apart in the first three games vs. Philly and couldn’t recover.  But like the computer you’re on right now, you don’t throw it away when it malfunctions.  You smack it and threaten to chuck it out the window, but really you just shut down, wait a minute and reboot.

Or you go on summer vacation.

To send the Pens off, here are a few things we demand to see this summer.

We Want: James Neal in Glasses

Nealmobile once came a contact lense away from a career-ending eye injury [link].  He could have been finger painting like Doug Dorsey!  Thank God for small miracles.  Where there are contacts, there are glasses, and some super sleuth found them in NHL36:

The old adage “boys don’t make passes at girls who wear glasses” is not at all true for girls.  We LOVE your glasses (without ever seeing you wear them).  In fact, how dare you deprive us?  Mike Green would never do that.  Since it’s only April and you’re gone, at least give us this.

We Want: Geno’s T-Shirt Collection

We didn’t get enough hilarity out of Geno’s wardrobe this year.  The man alternately shops at Charlotte Russe and the Hustler Store, which can only mean one thing: we can’t wait to see what he’s wearing at the high-roller table in Vegas when he picks up that Hart Trophy.

We Want: Niskanen and Sullivan

Matt Niskanen’s (RFA) middle name is Norman for heaven’s sake.  Sullivan (UFA) fits in on any line and plays like he’s in his twenties.  Sign them now.

We Want: Workout Videos

Show us how hard you’re working, how dedicated you are to the new season.  That’s what these videos are about, right?  Last year we posted Kris Letang’s [link] and you guys all disappeared for a week.  Maybe this year, James Neal won’t be ignored in the Camp Biosteel videos.

I think that’s everything we need for the next five months.  Players eat their Wheaties and do their squats while we save up cash for tickets and merch.  See you all in Septemb…  hahahaha.  RIGHT.

We Want:

Crosby, where are the rest of these pictures?

Caption removed for inadequacy.

And even this.

Neal's going to need a lot of help putting on that SPF 75.

Don’t you feel at least a little better now?