Happy Birthday - Kris Letang! It's all Pants' fault!
Since Pants loves to blame her Caps obsession on me, I can only return the favor by blaming my Kris Letang obsession on her. I would have NEVER known about ANY Pittsburgh Penguin EVER if she hadn’t e-mail bombed me relentlessly photos of Kris Letang. And now I am helpless, helpless I tell you.
Um ... did I just see what I thought I saw?
So a WUYS HAPPY 25th BIRTHDAY to truly one of Hockey’s greatest, foxiest, sexiest, most awesome players of the game.He never let’s us down. He’s dependable, hard-working, comes through in a clutch (game scoring OT winner with a concussion and broken nose – anyone?)
He’ll drop the gloves and go toe to toe. Although we don’t want that beautiful face to suffer – please – but I have to admit, a black eye is a little hot! Pittsburgh proved they can win without Sid but they can’t without Letang. He’s earned his spot on the roster the old fashion way – hard work.
Seriously ... how does anyone resist ALL THIS?
So while I honestly do wish they were still playing, here’s to Tanger taking a long, HOT summer vacation because that means more shirtless photos! And hopefully another work out video!
If you insist, I'll vacation somewhere warm - again. Just for you.
Happy birthday sex hair! And thanks for not cutting it this year. I was a little worried there.
For a few days after something bad happens, you don’t want to be cheered up. You want to drown in a cocktail shaker or eat an entire wedding cake. If you’re me, you picked a bright orange heavy bag and kickboxed the crap out of it a la Captain America.
Then life goes on. Other teams win and lose, and to keep me from slipping out of reach after last night’s Blackhawks loss, I need a moment to thank the Penguins for a great season.
Prom Night 2012. They obviously tried to take the photo before Letang showed up, but no such luck. The man even looks good in a ponytail.
The waiting was the hardest part. I held my breath a lot, exhaling mostly in the form of cheers for for Malkin and Neal and all those beautiful points. When Crosby was finally back for good, all I could do was sigh.
At the end, the Penguins went a little haywire. Their top-of-the-line hardware should run like a fighter jet, but somewhere in the programming the machine became human. Their system fell apart in the first three games vs. Philly and couldn’t recover. But like the computer you’re on right now, you don’t throw it away when it malfunctions. You smack it and threaten to chuck it out the window, but really you just shut down, wait a minute and reboot.
Or you go on summer vacation.
To send the Pens off, here are a few things we demand to see this summer.
We Want: James Neal in Glasses
Nealmobile once came a contact lense away from a career-ending eye injury [link]. He could have been finger painting like Doug Dorsey! Thank God for small miracles. Where there are contacts, there are glasses, and some super sleuth found them in NHL36:
The old adage “boys don’t make passes at girls who wear glasses” is not at all true for girls. We LOVE your glasses (without ever seeing you wear them). In fact, how dare you deprive us? Mike Green would never do that. Since it’s only April and you’re gone, at least give us this.
We Want: Geno’s T-Shirt Collection
We didn’t get enough hilarity out of Geno’s wardrobe this year. The man alternately shops at Charlotte Russe and the Hustler Store, which can only mean one thing: we can’t wait to see what he’s wearing at the high-roller table in Vegas when he picks up that Hart Trophy.
We Want: Niskanen and Sullivan
Matt Niskanen’s (RFA) middle name is Norman for heaven’s sake. Sullivan (UFA) fits in on any line and plays like he’s in his twenties. Sign them now.
We Want: Workout Videos
Show us how hard you’re working, how dedicated you are to the new season. That’s what these videos are about, right? Last year we posted Kris Letang’s [link] and you guys all disappeared for a week. Maybe this year, James Neal won’t be ignored in the Camp Biosteel videos.
I think that’s everything we need for the next five months. Players eat their Wheaties and do their squats while we save up cash for tickets and merch. See you all in Septemb… hahahaha. RIGHT.
We Want:
Crosby, where are the rest of these pictures?
Caption removed for inadequacy.
And even this.
Neal's going to need a lot of help putting on that SPF 75.
No other horror movie celebrates Hockey with such bad assery!
Last night was a heart breaker when the Caps lost in OT to Boston – I’m sure Ovi had this Nightmare:
No, not the floating head of death again!
And Seidenberg tried to take Ovi out with this hit but he found that weebles wobble but they don’t fall down! If Ovi can knock Jagr into next year at the Olympics, you’ll have to try harder Siddy-bergy than this:
As for it being FRIDAY THE 13th – I know we ran this before, but there is no such thing in my world as too much Kris Letang so for your FRIDAY THE 13th MOMENT OF ZEN:
There is no accounting for taste in our household. Traitors abound. Mr. Cherrie is a hard-core Buffalo fan.
But when I went to consult my bookie, I mean my oracle- the great swami Osiris Jones, man about town and counselor at law, when he’s not picking NHL play-off games for cat treats, much to my horror this is what I found!
Whut can I saz, I heart king henry
When I told him there’d be no more treats for this treacherous betrayal –
But i'm no foo eder
His brothers are much smarter and helped with the sign making for tomorrows big trek across the border. With Doughty getting so much ice time I am sure to get my money’s worth so look for this sign in the sea of blue and green:
yes mom, I am 12 years old ...and I can make a sign like one too!
I’m hoping to get some exclusive shots for the blog if Mr. Gates doesn’t make me stay after school for extra credit. I am also hoping for another game like last night!
Wow - for me? Awesome .... A hatrick for you then!
But what I really wanted to know was – who would end up in the Stanley Cup finals? So Swami Osiris Jones drug under the couch cushions, licked his butt a few times and gave me two answers – you decide from reading my posts which one is real and which one is for more cat treats …
Swami Jones has spoken ... and it shall come to pass that these two hot horses will play each other in the finals ...
or this:
Pst ...I hear Dawn's picked us for the finals ... ***************************************************** Of course she did, I'm reliable and I always come through even though she's saying it's her 'cat' and she hates Pittsburgh
Dawn, Ovi - sorry for the bad season. I do better in play-offs. I promise. BOOM! hahahahahahah
So when this campaign started the feedback was terrible so they adjusted it STAT because it was like the MasterCard ad, the Hockey Discover Card and “I Just Want My Pants Back” had a drunken three way, someone got pregnant and no one wanted to take responsibility for the monster that came of it.
Hockey fans will tell you straight up when something stinks.
I get TPTB wanted to include the fans but thank god we bascially got a bastard child of HISTORY WILL BE MADE! I don’t want to see faux Hollywood replicas of what they think we are doing in our homes/bars/favorites hockey watching spots. Trust me – WE KNOW. And it wasn’t what they were showing us.
I want to see Ovi telling me what he’s GOING to do in the play-offs.
Dear NHL - stilling waiting for Letang's solo "Because of the Cup" ad. Statistically speaking - Pens can win without St. Sid but not with out #58. Just sayin'
I want to see Kris Letang brush his sexy hair out of his face and smile at me as he skates at the screen.
I want to see Erik Karlsson and his glorious mullet, all awkward and sh&t.
Dear little man, may you win the Norris if Kris Letang (a complete dark horse but I wish would win) doesn't.
Hell, I’d even take Jagr saluting me! (not quite but see below for you hard core philly fans – bless you all!)
You've grown on me like a fungus but you make me laugh - which is hard to do!
It isn’t quite that but it will do for now. So for your viewing pleasure if you haven’t seen these yet:
ah ... can someone get me into the dressing room for an interview? I have a lot of questions for these guys and they look a little bored.
Hey Jumbo Joe … at least pick on someone your own size…
Giving the West Coast some love and Mr. Cherrie too … for our anniversary – what better way to celebrate than seeing my beloved DDTBG in person! And on one of our favorite day of the year – FRIDAY THE 13th!
Yes, I've used this photo before but finding shirtless photos of Drew is like finding a Unicorn, a rainbow and Ovi with a hat trick this year! Ohhhh did I just say that?!
Look out Vancouver – here we come! Because last years autographed Letang Stanley Cup Puck really can’t be out done unless Mr. Cherrie gets Letang gives me a lap dance!
I don’t know whether to wear my “FEAR THE TWINS” shirt from last year’s play off or my ever green – DREW DOUGHTY shirt? Or I could committ the ultimate jersey foul – cut them apart and frankenstein them! Switch them out too! Brilliant I say!
complete jersey foul if I stich these together!
(I guess that depends on who wins in the end …) I learned my lesson at the 2010 Olympics! :0
These are tough and important decisions because I don’t want to be the Hulk Hogan dude that got razzed by Hartnell at the Pens game.
Either way ladies, it’s play-off time and this girl has a new outfit in the making. And you won’t believe your eyes! After being the highest googled Ovi sweat pants peep – my goal is to be the highest google Sex-hair gal.
I need a sign ... but not from god.
I will also need a sign. I found this one but it’s just not me. So I have very little time to come up with something for both sides that I can flip. Because while I am completely there for DDTBG, let’s not forget that Mr. Edler will be in the house. MEOW!
What? Dawn's coming? HERE?! Shut the Front Door!
Let the play offs begin … Can’t wait to see Drew’s play off thingy …can’t call it a beard.
We need a hero... to save us from all those things growing on our hockey heroes!
As the resident Ovechkin fan, I’m used to being odd-man-out so I’m just going to go for it today in this edition of:
With the return of Crosby, is it REALLY a good idea? I give you the following reasons:
1. Chemistry – Malkin is ON F*CKING FIRE. His run for the Hart trophy could be stifled too. Fair? Discuss.
2. They are, already, pardon my Charlie Sheen re-hash – WINNING!
3. With only a few games left and a tough schedule, Rangers, Philadelphia, no one is going to treat the kid with, ‘kid gloves’ so why, with the above points, bring Sidney back? Let him completely recover and start fresh next year.
4. Pittsburgh has so much depth in their line-up and I’m not suggesting this because I want them to lose, I just honestly can’t go through another CROSBY’S RETURN -THE DECADE, two years was honestly enough.
5. On a brighter note, I have it on VERY GOOD AUTHORITY, SEXY SHOW PONY …
What's that you say?
I told you, I'm playing tonight. Got it? Not, girls love. But they do.
So he no longer needs a hobby because he's baaaaaaack! But I'll wear a leash and he can walk me!
So, you’ll know where I’ll be about 4:00 PM PDT today. And if MY PRETTY PONY is still sidelined, I still have my Sidney Crosby drinking game to keep company! 🙂
The Crosbot is back. That’s right, the hottest team in the League is getting back the best player in the League just in time to play the top team in their division. In mid-March. I would think we’re in a Disney sports movie if I didn’t have to work on all the Disney movies for my real-life job.
Crosby will play on a line with Matt Cooke and Tyler Kennedy. Oh a world in which Sidney Crosby is your second-line center.
No word yet if Kris Letang is definitely back in the Penguins lineup for tonight’s game vs. New York, but I put him in the picture for good luck. They’ll announce Tanger’s status after the morning skate.
I have a fancy work event today, so no 87 jersey for me until game time. I’m considering a black sharpie 87 onmy forehead the inside of my wrist – let’s see if Gator will do the honors.
Kris Letang took a hit to the head last night and left the Pens game in the first with an “upper body injury.”
Immediately, commentators began fighting. Some say Letang put himself in a vulnerable position. Others are calling for Eric Nystrom’s suspension. EJ Hradek of NHL Network says:
ESPN’s (former Foxy Friday) John Buccigross disagrees:
By far the best was Milbury and Jeremy Roenick about to take off their earrings and start slapping each other. (Props to Milbury – WHAT?!?!? I know. – for recommending Bylsma tell Pierre to “take off, eh?” for being a tool.) See the video at Deadspin.com [link].
Disco Dan says Kris is “day-to-day” at this point. After the non-committal injury descriptions in hockey, I think DTD is my favorite un-phrase.
As you know (because you counted the days till he was back), Letang missed nearly two months this season after suffering a concussion on November 26. The hit earned Montreal’s Max Paccioretty a 3-game ban, even though the Pens cleared Letang and he returned to play. Almost a week of continuing symptoms later, Kris was finally diagnosed with a concussion.
Gratuitous hair photo.
Since returning to the ice, Kris has been the same BAMF that earned him the most write-in votes of any NHL’er for the 2011 All-Star Game and a spot on that starting lineup. He has 9G/22A on the year, and is credited with raising the game of his d-partner Paul Martin (who is not James Neal’s girlfriend).
Gratuitous perfection photo.
The NHL has not announced if Nystrom will have a hearing. So what’s your verdict? Shanabanned or no? Maybe the NHL could introduce a new system of punishment here – using the fans. If hell hath no fury like a woman scorned, you should see how she reacts when you take away her Letang.
What's Up, Ya Sieve? 