Cruel Summer – Penguins

24 Apr

For a few days after something bad happens, you don’t want to be cheered up.  You want to drown in a cocktail shaker or eat an entire wedding cake.  If you’re me, you picked a bright orange heavy bag and kickboxed the crap out of it a la Captain America.

Then life goes on.  Other teams win and lose, and to keep me from slipping out of reach after last night’s Blackhawks loss, I need a moment to thank the Penguins for a great season.

Prom Night 2012. They obviously tried to take the photo before Letang showed up, but no such luck. The man even looks good in a ponytail.

The waiting was the hardest part.   I held my breath a lot, exhaling mostly in the form of cheers for for Malkin and Neal and all those beautiful points.  When Crosby was finally back for good, all I could do was sigh.

At the end, the Penguins went a little haywire.  Their top-of-the-line hardware should run like a fighter jet, but somewhere in the programming the machine became human.  Their system fell apart in the first three games vs. Philly and couldn’t recover.  But like the computer you’re on right now, you don’t throw it away when it malfunctions.  You smack it and threaten to chuck it out the window, but really you just shut down, wait a minute and reboot.

Or you go on summer vacation.

To send the Pens off, here are a few things we demand to see this summer.

We Want: James Neal in Glasses

Nealmobile once came a contact lense away from a career-ending eye injury [link].  He could have been finger painting like Doug Dorsey!  Thank God for small miracles.  Where there are contacts, there are glasses, and some super sleuth found them in NHL36:

The old adage “boys don’t make passes at girls who wear glasses” is not at all true for girls.  We LOVE your glasses (without ever seeing you wear them).  In fact, how dare you deprive us?  Mike Green would never do that.  Since it’s only April and you’re gone, at least give us this.

We Want: Geno’s T-Shirt Collection

We didn’t get enough hilarity out of Geno’s wardrobe this year.  The man alternately shops at Charlotte Russe and the Hustler Store, which can only mean one thing: we can’t wait to see what he’s wearing at the high-roller table in Vegas when he picks up that Hart Trophy.

We Want: Niskanen and Sullivan

Matt Niskanen’s (RFA) middle name is Norman for heaven’s sake.  Sullivan (UFA) fits in on any line and plays like he’s in his twenties.  Sign them now.

We Want: Workout Videos

Show us how hard you’re working, how dedicated you are to the new season.  That’s what these videos are about, right?  Last year we posted Kris Letang’s [link] and you guys all disappeared for a week.  Maybe this year, James Neal won’t be ignored in the Camp Biosteel videos.

I think that’s everything we need for the next five months.  Players eat their Wheaties and do their squats while we save up cash for tickets and merch.  See you all in Septemb…  hahahaha.  RIGHT.

We Want:

Crosby, where are the rest of these pictures?

Caption removed for inadequacy.

And even this.

Neal's going to need a lot of help putting on that SPF 75.

Don’t you feel at least a little better now?

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7 Responses to “Cruel Summer – Penguins”

  1. penspuckbunny April 24, 2012 at 11:12 am #

    “He could have been finger painting like Doug Dorsey!” Pants, that has got to be one of the FUNNIEST lines ever written! And I mean, EVER!!! Needless to say, I’m a HUGE Cutting Edge fan, too. I just wish someone in The Room on Sunday would have said, “The difference Is, I’M in the mood to kick a little ass!!!” *sigh*
    I am 1000% on board for Nealer in glasses, topless Tanger (and even white boy, Nealer – I’ll help with the SPF 75! Ha ha), and keeping Nisky & Sully!!!!!

  2. Lindsay April 24, 2012 at 11:18 am #

    The ONLY…..ONLY good thing about our teams being out is that in a month we’ll likely start seeing workout videos and vacation photos surface. I have zero shame in delighting in this. It’s the only way to keep from slipping completely off the edge. Dammit, Blackhawks and Pens….

  3. scorpiosue1102 April 24, 2012 at 11:37 am #

    Really need to see a shirtless Nealer in some glasses with while doing some weights :). Sully and Nisky need to stay, but others are free to go.

  4. Val April 24, 2012 at 11:44 am #

    I’m sorry, were you saying something? I got distracted by Letang’s torso…

  5. MouthGuard April 24, 2012 at 11:48 am #

    A very touching send-off to an always compelling, iconic bunch of lunatards. 😉 But c’mon – you’re not “Pants” for nothing, eh? Can you just admit that the spectacles cap was a convenient excuse to post a crotchtastic shot of Mr. Neal’s Netherregions? That kinda sounds like a fun kid’s show for grownups, doesn’t it? “Mr. Neal’s Netherregions”….

    For everybody suffering through the bereavement process, hang in there and for sure it would have been extra s***ts and giggles if PIT and CHI had been able to go the distance. But guess what? Everything happens for a reason. And the cure for your blues (ahem) comes in the form of the BEARDASSERY that is the WESTERN CONFERENCE. The time to troll is now, people. Get on it and discover all the wild ‘n wonderful clubs the hockey media ignores that play out West. The teams also drive the NHL bonkers. As Ross Perot used to say, “FAYN-tastic!”

    It’s worth staying up late and being admonished by your boss. You shouldn’t be sleeping, anyway. It’s the playoffs.

  6. Amanda April 24, 2012 at 1:37 pm #

    Searching for Camp Biosteel camp counselor applications… I’ll let you know when I find them.

  7. vickyandnikkis5hole April 24, 2012 at 10:33 pm #

    Is it wrong of me to hope Tanger finds a nudist beach colony to vacation at this year?

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