Tag Archives: Evgeni Malkin

Cruel Summer – Penguins

24 Apr

For a few days after something bad happens, you don’t want to be cheered up.  You want to drown in a cocktail shaker or eat an entire wedding cake.  If you’re me, you picked a bright orange heavy bag and kickboxed the crap out of it a la Captain America.

Then life goes on.  Other teams win and lose, and to keep me from slipping out of reach after last night’s Blackhawks loss, I need a moment to thank the Penguins for a great season.

Prom Night 2012. They obviously tried to take the photo before Letang showed up, but no such luck. The man even looks good in a ponytail.

The waiting was the hardest part.   I held my breath a lot, exhaling mostly in the form of cheers for for Malkin and Neal and all those beautiful points.  When Crosby was finally back for good, all I could do was sigh.

At the end, the Penguins went a little haywire.  Their top-of-the-line hardware should run like a fighter jet, but somewhere in the programming the machine became human.  Their system fell apart in the first three games vs. Philly and couldn’t recover.  But like the computer you’re on right now, you don’t throw it away when it malfunctions.  You smack it and threaten to chuck it out the window, but really you just shut down, wait a minute and reboot.

Or you go on summer vacation.

To send the Pens off, here are a few things we demand to see this summer.

We Want: James Neal in Glasses

Nealmobile once came a contact lense away from a career-ending eye injury [link].  He could have been finger painting like Doug Dorsey!  Thank God for small miracles.  Where there are contacts, there are glasses, and some super sleuth found them in NHL36:

The old adage “boys don’t make passes at girls who wear glasses” is not at all true for girls.  We LOVE your glasses (without ever seeing you wear them).  In fact, how dare you deprive us?  Mike Green would never do that.  Since it’s only April and you’re gone, at least give us this.

We Want: Geno’s T-Shirt Collection

We didn’t get enough hilarity out of Geno’s wardrobe this year.  The man alternately shops at Charlotte Russe and the Hustler Store, which can only mean one thing: we can’t wait to see what he’s wearing at the high-roller table in Vegas when he picks up that Hart Trophy.

We Want: Niskanen and Sullivan

Matt Niskanen’s (RFA) middle name is Norman for heaven’s sake.  Sullivan (UFA) fits in on any line and plays like he’s in his twenties.  Sign them now.

We Want: Workout Videos

Show us how hard you’re working, how dedicated you are to the new season.  That’s what these videos are about, right?  Last year we posted Kris Letang’s [link] and you guys all disappeared for a week.  Maybe this year, James Neal won’t be ignored in the Camp Biosteel videos.

I think that’s everything we need for the next five months.  Players eat their Wheaties and do their squats while we save up cash for tickets and merch.  See you all in Septemb…  hahahaha.  RIGHT.

We Want:

Crosby, where are the rest of these pictures?

Caption removed for inadequacy.

And even this.

Neal's going to need a lot of help putting on that SPF 75.

Don’t you feel at least a little better now?

This Friday Night…

30 Mar

Last night was not good for anyone.

Sidney took a puck to the face.  I’ve said “not the face!” many times, but never at such volume.  Sid bled everywhere and then did what hockey players do best, let it stop and kept playing.  Well, it didn’t totally stop.

He will play tonight against Buffalo, a game the Caps need the Pens to win.  Wait, what was that?  The reluctant sound of DC fans rooting for Pittsburgh?  Be still my beating heart.

We could say the Pens need the win also – Philly’s only two points back and there’s no reason to lose home ice advantage for the first round.  Sid and Co still have two games vs. the Flyers and one vs. NYR, so any game played against someone else is a bonus where you should grab all the points you can.

In the Battle of the Blog, the Capitals beat the Bruins last night 3-2 in another shitty overtime victory that I’ll take, but don’t like.  I don’t like what it says for when we meet teams that can play sixty.  Any team can struggle any night, but the Caps do it every night.

This hit by Jason Chimera on Adam McQuaid was the talk of the game.  Chimera got tossed for charging, but today the NHL has said no disciplinary hearing will be held.  Can Shanahan do videos for hits that are NOT suspended?  It would explain a lot more to me.

Chuck is not happy about that.  What would cheer her up?  How about Nicky B, possibly back in the line-up Saturday vs. Montreal.  That’s right – MONTREAL. RENE BOURQUE.  Come and get it, punk, we’ll be in section four-oh-something with our elbows up.

Also close to coming back, Jonny Toews.  Imagine how cranky he is not being able to play?  He’s probably organized every fork in his kitchen by how far apart the times are.  With a protractor.  The Hawks have won 7-of-10, but Tazer in the playoffs is a whole new kind of hot damn,

Colorado and Calgary have must-win games tonight… against each other.  WELP.  No guarantee a win will carry the victor into a playoff spot but it’s hard to see the loser of this one hanging on much longer.

Everyone is excited about EA Sports allowing, for the first time ever, a popular vote to decide the NHL13 cover boy.  Get the interns on this one!  Cast your vote(s) at www.NHL.com/CoverVote, or let the players woo you to their sides. Ton of Twitter chirping = our dream.  My favorite:

Uh, Team Claude.

It also looks like the Art Ross and Rocket Richard trophy races are drawing to a close, according to my master plans.

Geno can go till June, thank you very much.  Stammer, well, it wasn’t to be this year.  But Steven keeps on scoring.  He has five goals in his last five games – 55 total, for a career high and Lightning team record.  With five games left, could Stamkos get to 60?  I say YES.  I keep yelling it at the TV.  I keep…

So here’s to tonight, as we near the end of the season, and a lot of hockey fans get ready to say goodbye to their favorite teams.  If you’re looking for someone to back in the playoffs, allow us to make a few suggestions.

Honk for Hat Tricks!

21 Mar

Ohhhh, HAT trick. I thought you said PANT trick.  That’s how my jeans ended up on the ice.  Could I have them back?

Flower says, "THIS is the game I don't start?"

Nealmobile had a hat trick last night!  It was the second of his career and first with the Penguins, for a whopping 37 goals on the season.

Goal #1: Stand There, Look Pretty

James does a great job of being open in the right spot.  But look at that passing!  Sid, no-look to the outside to Geno cross-ice in the slot… I weep, it’s so beautiful.

Goal #2: Yaaaaaaaaaaay!

We heart rebounds. Listen to the fan yell when he scores, “Yaaaaaaaaay!” That’s either Kermit the Frog or me.

Goal #3: If You Just Smile

… and have a wicked wrist shot.  Look at him trying not to smile.

Post-Game: Aw, Shucks.

Some other guys played pretty well last night too, in the Penguins 8-4 win over Winnipeg.  TK had 2G, Geno had 2G/3A, Crosby had 4A.  Pucks were flying and TK came thisclose to a hat trick of his own.

Things I Love.

Pittsburgh is one point behind the NY Rangers, who take on Detroit at home tonight.  Go WINGS!  (Haha, what?!)   The Penguins host the Predators tomorrow – lets hope it brings them a shot at the #1 spot in the Eastern Conference!  I’m holding on to the Penguins/Capitals first round dream (and bank account).

Sh*t Nobody Says – Pittsburgh Edition

15 Mar

As the resident Ovechkin fan, I’m used to being odd-man-out so I’m just going to go for it today in this edition of:

With the return of Crosby, is it REALLY a good idea? I give you the following reasons:

1. Chemistry – Malkin is ON F*CKING FIRE. His run for the Hart trophy could be stifled too. Fair? Discuss.

2. They are, already, pardon my Charlie Sheen re-hash – WINNING!

3. With only a few games left and a tough schedule, Rangers, Philadelphia, no one is going to treat the kid with, ‘kid gloves’ so why, with the above points, bring Sidney back? Let him completely recover and start fresh next year.

4. Pittsburgh has so much depth in their line-up and I’m not suggesting this because I want them to lose, I just honestly can’t go through another CROSBY’S RETURN -THE DECADE, two years was honestly enough.

5. On a brighter note, I have it on VERY GOOD AUTHORITY, SEXY SHOW PONY …

What's that you say?

I told you, I'm playing tonight. Got it? Not, girls love. But they do.

So he no longer needs a hobby because he's baaaaaaack! But I'll wear a leash and he can walk me!

 

 

So, you’ll know where I’ll be about 4:00 PM PDT today. And if MY PRETTY PONY is still sidelined, I still have my Sidney Crosby drinking game to keep company! 🙂

Cheers! DC

One Day

6 Mar

Geno: You said 7:30.

James: I said 6:30.

Geno: My English is not so good.

James: …

We all know when the Nealmobile episode of NHL 36 premieres: TOMORROW.

It’s Alright, It’s Okay.

1 Feb

Sid and the Pens held a press conference yesterday to prove that he still looks this good in a suit.  Also to clarify the neck injury he was diagnosed with by an LA doctor – it’s a “soft tissue” injury, not broken vertebrae.  He was treated in LA with injections to relieve the swelling and further injections should not be necessary. [link]  They expect him to heal fully.

I had something similar – a ruptured disk in my lower spine that required MRI and cortisone injections.  First off, they must have either an open or extra large MRI because there’s no way they’re fitting Crosby’s backside into the MRI they used for me.  They say “don’t open your eyes,” so of course I opened my eyes.  And spent the next 45 min barely warding off a panic attack.

We're going to need a bigger boat.

When they do the injections, they also tell you “don’t look at the needle.”  So naturally I did.  Holy schnikies, I hope they use a smaller one on neck injuries because this thing could have gone right through me into the table.  But in my case, they worked.  One round of shots = enormous improvement.  Here’s hoping it goes the same for Sid.

The Pens won a wild game last night vs. Toronto that involved Neal’s pass hitting Malkin in the arm and going in with 7 seconds left to tie.  Then Geno scored the only goal in the shootout.  Unstoppable!  Flower made some incredible saves and had a total love-fest with Letang.  I think we were interrupting their date night.  Tanger dove into the net behind Fleury to back him up, then winked at him from the bench.  It was better than the Kiss Cam!  At the end they did a totally 10th grade, Fresh Prince-style windmill high five.  I’m still hoping for a .gif of it to show you all.

 

Starry-Eyed

31 Jan

When Mr. Pants and I boarded our flight in Houston on Saturday, I had NO idea there would be individual TVs on the plane.  Then I saw the All-Star Game Skills Competition was on.  I may have screamed.  One swipe of the AMEX later, I was sitting an inch from the screen with a huge smile on my face.

Mr. Pants: “What are you so happy about?”

Obviously he doesn’t share my pain in missing a week of hockey and the ASG Draft, or as we prefer to think of it, The WUYS Bachelor Auction.  I’m sure it was great.  And I saw they put Letang in the front row because even he can only get away with tripping once.

The Elimination Shootout started as we reached cruising altitude.  Stamkos stepped up… and the pilot came on the PA talking about miles programs and tail winds and how, if you looked out the right side, you could see a chicken in Mississippi riding a bicycle.  He talked the ENTIRE TIME!   We almost had an incident with Homeland Security.  Plus the seatbelt sign was on forever and I really had to pee.

During the post-win interview, I lost it and said, “Stop touching him, Pierre!” really loud.  Unless Pierre has scissors, though it doesn’t look like he’d know how to cut hair.

Hands off the merchandise, Troll.

Also, it’s not easy to watch Nealmobile do Accuracy Shooting when it’s illegal for me to scream, run around or throw things.  As I watch back through the coverage, the ASG never fails to be a highlight of the season.  It brainwashes me into a maniac who thinks things like:

Red heads in pink shirts?  Sure, why not!  Too bad no one could straighten it out before shooting.  Unless Giroux’s going to tear it off, it shouldn’t be stretched like that.  My inner publicist cringes.  (Note: That plaid jacket still needs to go. Along with Neal’s. Were they on sale in Ontario at some point?)

Carey Price is funny.  And charming.  I didn’t think this could get worse.

Scott Hartnell + the Sedins = my nightmare.  Except it’s fantastic.

And some things’s don’t surprise.  Henrik Lundqvist puts everyone to shame, in every category.

If you didn’t think Patrick Kane would steal the show then you must be new around here.

My tights are underneath.

As always, the awkward prom photos.  Everyone is cringing about talking to fathers and having to

See you at the prom party, Segs.

Logan can pick us up in his new car.

 What did you guys think?  No Crosby, Toews, Green, Backstrom, zero Staals.  Still everything you hoped for?  And share your favorite bits, because I probably missed them!