The Case for Danny Briere

Lindsay tried to warn Chuck about this last night – I’m surprised Chuck didn’t lock me out of here today!

It’s not that serious, but I’ve got a recurring problem: every time I hear the Rascal Flatts song “Banjo,” I get really excited and start rocking out in my car.  It’s a good 30 seconds before my brain remembers, “ACK!  I don’t like Rascal Flatts!  That guy’s voice drills my brain!”

This is the same experience I have when Danny Briere scores (minus the dancing).  I don’t like the Flyers!  His voice gives me the creeps!  Yet I still get really, really happy for him.

AAGHHHWHAT?! I know. Just listen: he scored 16 goals this season.  As in all year.  He has 8 goals in the playoffs – as in the last three weeks!  Five were vs. Pittsburgh and each was a nail in my coffin.  Now I have more perspective.  It’s like walking into the gym after a late night, looking at the treadmill and thinking, “This is going to hurt.”  I’ve accepted that it’s going to happen, and happen often, so I might as well get something out of it.

I’ve been saving this till you were all buttered up over Claude.  Briere’s kids are adorable and everyone’s hair is too long!  It’s like a Disney movie waiting to happen – somebody sweep in and make these guys a meal with vegetables!  (Giroux moved out, but he’d probably come over for free dinner.  You might have to feed Couturier too [link].)

I’m not saying Danny Briere will be drafted by my fantasy hockey team composed entirely of hot dads.  Chuck hates his beard and that whispery voice.  But he’s kinda Lord of the Rings-ish, no?  Legolas by way of the Shire?  He looks like he’d be good with a bow and arrow.

Speaking of Flyers I don’t like but can’t help enjoying – I mean Hartnell in just this one case.  And when he falls down.  Maybe I should make a list!

SBNation.com credit

For Linsday, here’s Giroux in another episode of Things That Are Also Orange:

The sun could be considered orange, and these legs need to see some of it.

I still want New Jersey to win, and for Foxy Friday Parise to keep a) losing his helmet and b) scoring goals like last night.  I’m not completely insane, just turning into a softie.  My only excuse is that I’m traumatized by the playoffs and need a trip to the quiet room.  Bright colors and a good old-fashioned Cinderella story are clearly distracting me.  I’m even giving myself the “Hall of Shame” tag for this lapse in good judgement.

I Hate Everyone

I’m not quite sure what to say about today’s Penguins/Flyers game and I re-wrote this post three times (while trying not to throw up).  This game was an implosion – a disgusting, dirty, insulting excuse for a game the Penguins lost fair and square.

First off, the score.  Can ANYONE be bothered to cover Danny Biere?  He scored two in game one, remember?  You could have landed a plane on him in the first period and the Pens defense would have wondered why it got so windy.  It would explain why Fleury was flapping like a screen door in a hurricane.  After this complete lapse, the Penguins had no one to blame but themselves for the score on the board.  So they got angry.

No need to recap this for you, and I can’t bring myself to do it anyway.

The brawl in the first period was ugly, but it could have turned the game.  Even Sid & Gingeroux put their money where their mouths were – and then some, screaming at each other from the penalty boxes.  Channel your rage!  There was still hope, right through James Neal’s second period goal to make it 4-3 Flyers.  The Penguins were scrambling and stumbling but the score was close enough.  Except the poor play and bitching kept on coming.  I hate the Flyers too – today was more about the Pens sinking themselves.

Bylsma swapped out Fleury for Johnson to start the third – way too late in my opinion.  Clearly a fight had not had not rallied his team, I think he should have tried something else a lot sooner.  Johnson didn’t fare much better though and it was 7-4 Flyers less than thirty seconds later.

The third period of this game will make me sick to my stomach for a long time.  The only guys I could even look at are the names you didn’t hear – Matt Cooke, Richard Park, uh… Geno because he was invisible today.  Everyone else was already on my sh*t list and to top it all off, this:

Neal, you had two great goals. You kept the Pens on the board when they weren’t in the game.  Then you laid out Coturier with a cheap shot –  leaving your GD feet to do it! – when the game was out of reach.  You accomplished nothing except the impossible: making this awful game worse.  Now you’ll be suspended.  Enjoy watching the last game of the season from the press box, dummy.

Truthfully, I’d ground this whole team.  That is not how you redeem a bad start to the series or to this game.  That is not how you react when your backs are to the wall.  That’s not even hockey, it’s a street fight.

Game four is Wednesday.  Can a team come back from 3-0 down to win a series?  Of course (you’re talking to Red Sox fans, here).  Can the Penguins?  Dear God, I hope so.  But not if they bring this team to the ice, and who knows if anyone will be left by Wednesday.

Post-game today:

Dan Bylsma [link]

“We don’t want to be involved in those situations against this team.”  Too bad, jerks.  You courted it today and got what you asked for.

James Neal [link]

“It is what it is.”  It’s you getting suspended, hothead.

Sidney Crosby [link]

“We’re playing playoff hockey.” Am I on the wrong channel? Because I think that means helping yourselves win.

UGH.  I’m exhausted and gutted from this game.  My apologies for the rant if you’re a Pens fan who handled today better or felt less aggro toward them. I love the Penguins, but those were not the Penguins.  I can’t blindly love a team that behaves this way.  If another team came at mine like that, I’d be calling for their heads.  Now it’s time for my team (and me) to be responsible for ourselves.

Dirrrrrty

The Blackhawks have won five in a row, including an OT nail-biter against Vancouver last night.  Their next game is Sunday vs. Nashville – a big one for playoff position.  Too bad they’re going to have to do it without Duncan Keith:

No question that’s a dirty play.  Daniel Sedin struggled back to the bench, played one more shift then went to the dressing room [link].  Keith got an elbowing minor and now everyone fully expects him to be suspended.

Shane Doan just got Shanabanned 3 games for elbowing Jamie Benn [link].  Mike Green served 3 games.  But this looks more like Rene Bourque’s hit on Nicklas Backstrom (grrrrrrrrr) that earned a 5-game suspension.  Both Borque and Doan are repeat offenders – this would be Keith’s first suspension.  (Green’s previous suspension was more than 18 months ago, so not classified as a repeat offender – link.)

The NHL has not yet announced a hearing, but with four days till the Hawks play again there is no rush.  Sedin will be re-evaluated today in Vancouver and any sustained injury considered in the case against Keith.  Henrik Sedin spoke after the game, saying Keith “did what he wanted to do” [link].

The Canucks are comfortably atop their Division and could still catch St. Louis for 1st in the West and the President’s Trophy [standings].  That dream takes a dive if they lose Sedin – their only 30-goal scorer on the year.  They play tomorrow night at Dallas.

Doan and Keith have both been publicly contrite about their hits [link], but who cares?  Time to start thinking before you get your elbows up, boys.  If you can’t do it for safety at least do it for your teams down the stretch.  But really, do it for safety.

Shanabanned: Mike Green

Sorry if this place looks like Hate on the Caps Central.  We just want to win!!

And this won’t help.  Mike Green has been suspended three games.

I would be lying if I said the idea of Brendan Shanahan yelling at Mike on the phone didn’t give me the giggles.  I picture it like the principal yelling at the detention kids in The Breakfast Club.  Mike’s all of the guys, of course – the nerd, the jock and the bad boy with the soft heart.  He’d wear your earring, if not for that helmet.

Pooh Bear, why?  Keep your damned elbows down, this isn’t a Fall Out Boy emo pseudo-mosh pit!

So the Capitals will face Boston, Toronto and the NYI with Fidget on defense.  It’ll be Hamrlik or Erskine taking his place today.  I hope it’s Erskine – have you seen the Bruins?  Yikes.  I don’t want Troy Brouwer fighting all the Caps battles, because he scores 75% of their goals.

Godspeed to the Capitals today.  Chuck and her boys will show no mercy.

An Open Letter To Ted Leonsis

I simply have to vent this and get it off my, ah, proverbial chest ladies. As the resident Ovi fan and Captials fan, I know this will come as shock, but I AM SO MAD AT HIM, at them, at the WORLD and have been for some time and I just have to say and get it out.

An open letter to Mr. Leonsis,

I say this with as a fan of Alexander Ovechkin, first and foremost, and then of hockey.  When you fired Bruce Boudreau, a little piece of me died because no matter how the mainstream media spun it, we all know that it was because of player issues – e.g. Ovechkin.

Boudreau is a great coach. He will probably be the best coach you will ever have. He was not the problem. We all know “What the problem is with the Washington Capitals.” The real question is what is going to be done about it?

For five years I’ve watched Ovechkin go from a great player to a player with a great attitude. It pains me to say that but having been an athlete myself on a team, and a captain as well; you have to lead by example.  

I had hoped Mr. Leonsis would have bucked the system and shook things up by NOT firing Boudreau, showing some loyalty, having some balls, and fixing the real problem. If he had, his team may have actually had a shot at the play-offs. Sometimes the Alpha dog needs a good swat to the nutsack to get back in line and lead the pack.

But as it stands, the fans have watched Boudreau excel in Anaheim, their beloved team implode under the tutelage of Dale Hunter’s mess and Ovi still stands around on defense, stands around on offense, waits for his teammates to pass the puck to him and still misses it when they do. His attitude that he has to do it all has got to stop because guess what? He can’t, he certainly doesn’t and there are guys out there who can and are doing it better now.

He still has time on his contract where he can be traded. Perhaps before you fired Boudreau you should have used that bargaining chip to get your Alpha dog back in line. Now he’s the Rick Nash of the East Coast. No one will want that bad golden apple, no matter how good it might taste. He’s still too costly, you don’t know how he’ll perform and there still might be a worm in there somewhere. It’s not an imponderable conundrum. It’s just a conundrum.

FIX IT. PLEASE.

 Missing BB,

DC

From: Pants, Re: Your Pants

Nicky B and iCarly hosted a hockey school yesterday.  First John goes on vacation with Mike, now this? [video]  It’s like an all-out offensive being launched against me and Gator.

It’s great to see Backstrom doing anything these days.  We have not heard that he’s skating or even working out, though he looks energetic here.  Apparently iCarly’s dorky high-five doesn’t count as contact.

As happy as this makes us… Nicklas, we need to talk about your pants.  John’s are excellent color and fit, plus “distressed” or “vintage” if you must.  But yours… is that stonewash?  With black shoes?

They could almost be skinny jeans – I’m not really even sure how you got them on over those legs.  If they’re borrowed from Ovi, you should give them right back.  Unless you’re trying to make that girl in the head-to-toe shamrock romper feel better about what she wore to work.

There are certain things we’re willing to put aside for the love of hockey – Mike’s problem with ‘your’ vs. ‘you’re’ and James Neal’s personal pronoun confusion.  But these jeans and that camouflage Under Armor on Matt Duchene are close to the line.  You’re so perfect and European but even we have limits.

Regardless, we love you.  Come back soon.  Wear hockey pants, they look weird on everyone.

Shanabanned: Everybody

Chicago’s Dan Carcillo has been suspended 7 games for boarding Edmonton’s Tom Gilbert [link].  Gilbert missed the Oiler’s next game and is listed as day-to-day.

Carcillo is a repeat offender (and a goon) – he was suspended 2 games for this hit on Carolina’s Pittkanen on 10/28. Guest Starring Rob Blake!!

Calgary’s Rene Bourque got a 5-game ban [link] and a lifetime spot on my s&%$ list for his elbow to the precious face of Nicklas Backstrom.  You all saw it, and I don’t want to watch it again.  As mentioned yesterday, Bourque is also a repeat offender for this hit on Chicago’s Brent Seabrook in December that got him suspended for two.

Dale Hunter gave no conclusive update on Backstrom yesterday, but his brother posted an update to Twitter:

This was obviously not team-sanctioned news and was quickly taken down.  Silly people with inside info, you are not publicists!  But no worries, because Nicky participated in a full practice this morning and is expected to make the Caps trip to San Jose today, for the game Saturday.

It’s not just elbows and knees getting people into trouble.  The Panthers’ Krys Barch has been suspended 1 game for an alleged racial slur against PK Subban.  The remark was overhead by a linesman during Saturday’s game and Barch was ejected [link].  There are a lot of things we’d like to say to PK Subban, but none of them are that.  And all of them come after, “Can we have Stamkos’ number?”  I’m sure there’s a lot of hearsay in this case, but this argument is looking pretty valid:

And Rangers’ coach John Tortorella was fined by the NHL after some pretty inflammatory comments following Monday’s Winter Classic:

“I’m not sure if NBC got together with the refs or what to turn this into an overtime game,” Tortorella said Monday. “For two good refs, I thought the game was reffed horribly. I’m not sure what happened there.”Maybe they wanted to get into overtime. I’m not sure if they had meetings about that or what. But we stood in there. I don’t want to … because they are good guys. I just thought it was, in that third period, it was disgusting.” [link]

Torts apologized and will fork over $30k for the outburst.  New Yorkers will love him more.

Hey! I'm walking here!

So, anyone else want to have a go today?  Got some leftover 2011 aggro hanging around?  Let it go, it’s a new year.

Shanabanned: Patrick Kaleta

4 games for headbutting Jakub Voracek.

Yup, that one’s pretty obvious.

PS: How many white shirts do you think Brendan has?  Will he ever go nuts and wear a blue one?

Don’t Let the Door Hit You…

Sean Avery has been placed on waivers by the Rangers.  It’s like the episode of 24 where Kim Bauer went hiking in Los Angeles, got cornered by a cougar and had to be rescued by a hillbilly in a bunker.  If she were real, she’d still be dating this jackass.

Read all about it on Puck Daddy.

Will someone pick him up?  According to the NY Post it would cost a team $1 million to have Avery for the year.  His salary is $4 million: the Rangers would pay $1 mill and the Dallas Stars are still paying $2 mill.  That’s right, two teams would pay a combined 75% of Avery’s salary to NOT have him on their rosters.  Ask The Situation how it felt when Abercrombie offered to pay him not to wear their clothes.

Avery’s effectiveness as an annoying bastard is undeniable – he rattles other teams – but he draws tons of penalties in the process.  To the equation, teams must add the likelihood Sean will do something off the ice that speaks louder than anything he does on it.  I just don’t see the point of Sean Avery.  I think any number of guys can do what he does (we’ve got “your mama” jokes galore) with a lot less headache.

This is real. I didn't Photoshop in these glasses.

So with two teams already putting their money where Avery’s mouth is… what happens now?

Fall Down, Go Boom.

Well, folks, it was bound to happen.

Stanley is a little banged up, thanks to former Bruin Michael “Cool” Ryder and a flimsy Nova Scotian card table.

To which my friend Fatty J exclaimed, “Jesus Michael!”

Dios mios indeed!

What is that table made out of anyway?  Paper mache and matchsticks?

You’d think that they’d be able to find a sturdier table to hold the Cup, you know, to prevent that from happening.

Luckily, the Cup is okay.  Just a little dent.

Can’t say the same for Ryder’s pride though.

Welcome to infamy, my friend.

Man Down.