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Chewbacca and the Ewoks Sent Packing

8 May

Hey Shane, no need to get angry .. you’re moving on in the series but staying in Phoenix! You just won the Lottery!

For those of you keeping count, last night the Jawas sent Chewie and the Ewoks packing.

Ya just can’t mess with the force – dude.

I think there was a grand disturbance in the force when Chewie tapped into the dark side and smashed Hans Solo’s head into the boards in an earlier series and sometimes karmic galactic payback is a bitch.

Chewie will now be able to make it back to Kashyyyk in time to celebrate Life Day.

You shall not move … I command it.

The Jawas also found out from Palpatine, Lord of the Sith and Emperor of the Galactic empire, they will more than likely be staying in the desert. Details of the contract are still under wraps but my sources tell me it includes the souls of the all the incoming new players first-born girls (because ya know, they need the boys for future hockey players) and all the retirees in a 250 mile area. That should keep Lord Vader fed for a few more years.

Lord Vader Shanahan needs souls to keep doling out his brand of justice

That’s good news for Phoenix!

So now the Conference Finals are set for the West Coast – Phoenix vs. LA Kings.

Life is Pain

8 May

Most girls will tell you there are few situations in life that cannot be explained by a scene from The Princess Bride.

After the Caps’ loss to the Rangers last night, I feel Mostly Dead.  Tortured.  Gutted.  But if you lean close enough, you might hear me whisper:

In case you missed it (what on Earth were you doing instead?!), the Caps were up 2-1 with 22 seconds to play.  Joel Ward took a high-sticking double-minor for hitting Cary Elwes Ryan Gosling Carl Hagelin in the face.  Then this happened:

Inconceivable.  WE HAD THIS GAME!  Holtby was killing it and the Caps were digging for every inch.  It was right there… and here we go into the Fire Swamp, also known as another damned overtime game.

At least it didn’t take long.  Ginger Staal scored while Ward was serving his second penalty.  And just like that – Pit of Despair.

I feel so bad for Joel Ward.  It was an awful penalty but only one of a billion the Caps have taken this season.  And he handled it like this, managing to break my heart even more:

Shake it off, JWard.  Good adventure movies teach us that all hope is not lost.  I’m not going to kill myself because none of our four fastest ships scored.  Outshot 38-18?  BAH.  I’m not left-handed either!  We are going to fight to the pain in game six.  As baby Fred Savage tells his grandfather, Columbo: “I wasn’t nervous. Maybe I was a little bit ‘concerned’ but that’s not the same thing. “

Let’s focus on game six.  Get a wheelbarrow and a holocaust cloak because we are opening that gate.  And when someone gives you a book, remember to ask:

LA KINGS – TCOB

7 May

The great oracle Orisis Jones was right as far as part of the West Coast goes:

That was our happy face after the sweep!

Not since 1993 have the LA Kings been to a conference final and that was when the Great One played for them – as in Wayne Gretzky.

WTF are the LA KINGS doing in the play-offs?

The Kings have swept the #1 and #2 seed and yet the astonishment abounds how a team with the 29th worst scoring record in the league manages to knock them off.

But that was before other brother Darryl Sutter took command. And all I can say is Capt. Dustin Brown’s mug shot makes him look like Dennis the Menace and I want to adopt him.

don’t let this sweet face trick you – he will destroy you on the ice

 And Kopitar, OMG – if the Capitals Captain and Assistant Captains – ahem – played like this – holy bejesus – Kopitar had some killer floor checks. He had four Blues on him while the rest of his team changed and still kept the puck in.

He had this fly save in the crease for Quick that was a game saver!

And still people have to ask why the LA KINGS are in the play-offs? Puppet Please?! It’s not just Drew Doughty that’s touched by god anymore.

Looks like just enough room for me guys!

These guys are en fuego in more ways than one. I’d marry them all and move to Utah with my harem! It’s not just play-off time, it’s pay-off time!

Mikey Monday: FTW

7 May

The only reasons to be awake at 7 AM on a Saturday are you’re 1) still up from the night before or 2) buying playoff hockey tickets.  I woke Gator up with a text and we debated (read: I peer pressured her).  Something was telling me to go.  The Force was communicating.  So we went.

THANK GOD.

HUG EVERYONE!

Mike warmed up with his helmet on, which he never does.  I guess a 12:30 start didn’t give him enough time to do his hair (reason #3 for being up at 7 AM?).  It’s not as if he wakes up looking like this:

Worth every penny. (Thanks @jlrpuck, who dropped her camera after this one.)

First Ovi scored, and the Rangers scored.  Nicky scored, the Rangers scored.  Then with just under six left in the third, Mike did this:

Be still my beating heart.

I tackled Gator like a squid and we almost fell off the upper deck.  If any single voice in the Verizon Center was louder than mine, I challenge that person to a duel.  Mike Green goals are my favorite thing in the history of things.

If I had missed living that moment, I’d be devastated-while-ecstatic and I’m not sure how many feelings I can feel at the same time and survive.

It’s not just the goal.  It’s EVERYTHING.  Okay, maybe I’m overstating it, but Mike needs confidence.  He needs to trust the judgement that made him a 70-point scorer and two-time Norris trophy candidate.  Green stepping up on offensive plays can give this team a boost it doesn’t always find on the front line.  Nicky getting on the board feels awfully good too.

Piglet Power!

Here’s Mike’s post-game interview [link] and post-practice from Sunday [link].  I love his beard – this must be his real hair color (you know he dyes that hedgehog perfection).

From NewYorkTimes.com: Afterward, in the Capitals’ locker room, Green, 26, was reminded how he, Ovechkin, Backstrom and Alexander Semin were once called the Young Guns.

“We’re not that young anymore,” he said, smiling. “But it’s good to know we can still put it in the net.”

Yeah, that’s what I she said.

On the cover of today’s Washington Post Express – I love Mondays!

Game 5 tonight at 7:30 PM.  Listen for the screaming.

Gingerboux

7 May

Claude Giroux needed to count to ten (in French) before throwing this hit in last night’s loss to New Jersey:

What do you think – Shanabanned?  I would not be surprised.  Zubris has long since passed the puck and G seems to wait until after the shoulder hit is available, then go straight for his face.  Claude took a penalty for “head contact” on the play – it’s part of the “Illegal Hit to the Head” rule [link], I’ve just never heard it called that.  Zubris was not injured and had 2 goals on the night (GWG and an empty-netter).

The Flyers are down 3-1 in the series vs. New Jersey.  Losing Giroux for game 5… yikes.  We’ll see what Principal Shanny has to say tomorrow.  Can he suspend this face that turns even the best of the rest of us into idiots with traitorous tendencies?

Operation Havoc : Commander Doughty in Control

4 May

I’m here to kick ass AND chew bubble gum. Lucky for you, I brought the bubble gum.

The Kings have lost only ONE play-off game to date. And after listening to the announcers last night, could they have made anymore snide/ weight remarks? Let me count them down for you:

  • Doughty certainly is a well-rounded player
  • Doughty just skated down the Blues bench and told them they’d have to be quicker than that to throw a hit on him
  • Doughty just got a free one off Elliott
  • Who knew the Kings could go on such a winning streak without Doughty scoring

On a better note – Mike Richards is the only other player with a Gordie Howe Hatrick! The other player – Gingeroux!

I’m sexy and I know it!

That is mighty fine company sisters.

So for those keeping count, the Kings are up 3-0 AGAIN in their series. For an 8th seat team – that’s super totes. For a Sutter brother, it’s in the genes.

For the Blues, evidently, this is their way of keeping Doughty in check – evidently, they stole my diary:

The Case for Danny Briere

4 May

Lindsay tried to warn Chuck about this last night – I’m surprised Chuck didn’t lock me out of here today!

It’s not that serious, but I’ve got a recurring problem: every time I hear the Rascal Flatts song “Banjo,” I get really excited and start rocking out in my car.  It’s a good 30 seconds before my brain remembers, “ACK!  I don’t like Rascal Flatts!  That guy’s voice drills my brain!”

This is the same experience I have when Danny Briere scores (minus the dancing).  I don’t like the Flyers!  His voice gives me the creeps!  Yet I still get really, really happy for him.

AAGHHHWHAT?! I know. Just listen: he scored 16 goals this season.  As in all year.  He has 8 goals in the playoffs – as in the last three weeks!  Five were vs. Pittsburgh and each was a nail in my coffin.  Now I have more perspective.  It’s like walking into the gym after a late night, looking at the treadmill and thinking, “This is going to hurt.”  I’ve accepted that it’s going to happen, and happen often, so I might as well get something out of it.

I’ve been saving this till you were all buttered up over Claude.  Briere’s kids are adorable and everyone’s hair is too long!  It’s like a Disney movie waiting to happen – somebody sweep in and make these guys a meal with vegetables!  (Giroux moved out, but he’d probably come over for free dinner.  You might have to feed Couturier too [link].)

I’m not saying Danny Briere will be drafted by my fantasy hockey team composed entirely of hot dads.  Chuck hates his beard and that whispery voice.  But he’s kinda Lord of the Rings-ish, no?  Legolas by way of the Shire?  He looks like he’d be good with a bow and arrow.

Speaking of Flyers I don’t like but can’t help enjoying – I mean Hartnell in just this one case.  And when he falls down.  Maybe I should make a list!

For Linsday, here’s Giroux in another episode of Things That Are Also Orange:

The sun could be considered orange, and these legs need to see some of it.

I still want New Jersey to win, and for Foxy Friday Parise to keep a) losing his helmet and b) scoring goals like last night.  I’m not completely insane, just turning into a softie.  My only excuse is that I’m traumatized by the playoffs and need a trip to the quiet room.  Bright colors and a good old-fashioned Cinderella story are clearly distracting me.  I’m even giving myself the “Hall of Shame” tag for this lapse in good judgement.