NHL36: James Neal

8 Mar

Go to the mirror right now.  Look at yourself and say, “Plaid suit” three times.

James Neal  and Claude Giroux will be fighting to climb out.


(If you’re too young to know Candyman or Beetlejuice, ignore that.)

When someone’s watching, you always think, “I’m definitely going to mess up.”  Like a cute guy smiles and you spill your drink, or you trip walking up the aisle at your wedding.

Imagine 36 straight hours of people watching you, recording it for posterity and the enjoyment fans everywhere.  You might get flustered.

You might forget how shirts work.

Wait, this isn't a pullover.

(Side note: What if James always puts his shirt on like this? And never knew it was weird until we all laughed?)

In case you’re new around here, NHL 36: James Neal premiered last night.  If you took every ‘N Sync song ever recorded, covered them in chocolate and injected them directly into my bloodstream, I would feel like this.  I had to stop it twice in the first three minutes just to squee.

Most the the show (like most of this blog) was dedicated to James’ hair.  It really is Grade A Hedgehog-quality.  He is afraid of losing it, so he only washes it once a week.  A dramatic re-enactment:

Then he styles it like he’s weeding a garden:

For a final polish, he lets Dupuis perfect the coif with his stick right before taking the ice for warm-ups.  This is obviously television gold.  You want to see the whole thing?

At the very beginning, watch Jordan in the background.  He’s trying so hard not to laugh.  Literally three seconds into the broadcast I knew I was dead.

Other things we learned:

Paul Martin is definitely James’ girlfriend.  James buying the house across the street is a little stalker-ish, really, but we’ll let it slide because he obviously loves breakfast.

Everyone thinks of James as their little brother. We want to know in what world people’s little brothers are James Neal, and where they live so we can grow up next door to them.

His favorite color is purple. He’d fit right in at Sweet Valley High.

You know the Stamkos-eating-cereal commercial I’m always going on about?  James one-upped it by using my favorite, Honey Nut Cheerios.

He’s bad at soccer, has beer in his fridge and drops an occasional F-bomb.  In the last 30 seconds he wises up and goes with full-body spandex over a cup – I’m just saying, that’s like Batman’s suit.  He knows we’re watching.

The verdit?  Dorky perfection.  Me, unsupervised, throwing pillows around the living room.  And lots of volunteers to help James Neal decorate that big empty house.

10 Responses to “NHL36: James Neal”

  1. raedanda March 8, 2012 at 11:40 am #

    Comedy gold, Pants. Comedy. Gold.

    Kudos. 🙂

    And the defibrillator is on its way to your office right now. Bring it tonight. You KNOW you’ll need it again.

  2. michelle March 8, 2012 at 11:42 am #

    I am very concerned about the washing the hair only once per week! he plays HOCKEY, he practices DAILY. my son plays college hockey. he has played hockey since he was 7 yo. it is a fact that boys who play hockey SMELL BAD when they are done ! and i mean really bad!

    • Sue (Scorpiosue1102) March 8, 2012 at 11:57 am #

      If his hair wasn’t so awesomely fantastic I would be super grossed out. I was only a little grossed out. Though a week of grease, product and hockey sweat in his hair is kinda nasty.

  3. Chuck March 8, 2012 at 11:55 am #

    That suit…seriously…few can pull that look off without looking like a total noob.

  4. Sue (Scorpiosue1102) March 8, 2012 at 12:03 pm #

    36 hours of James Neal was not enough. Pluses all around: totally love that James Neal is stylish, but not in the hipster wannabe way (rocking plaid and diagonal stripes is not easy), the hair, the bad soccer playing, the water bottles attached to his bumper….all ratings gold.

  5. Kitkat March 8, 2012 at 12:32 pm #

    I will gladly donate my interior design services/skills to any player in need…. my daily routine of commercial design gets boring. Bonus: I have friends in the ‘burgh, call me!

  6. penspuckbunnyHeather March 8, 2012 at 1:11 pm #

    Agreed with Sue 1000%!!! Not NEARLY enough of the Real Deal!!! And I WANNA KNOW WHO DID THE BOTTLES – FOR SURE!!! Cookie was grinning like he knew who did it, even though he said he knew nothing. What do ya’ll think? Was it Duper or Cookie? The HELL with little brother – I’ll be his cougar! *lmao* And let’s not forget that he bought dinner for his family & friends! Yes, in my world, if you’d just signed a $30 million deal, you’d be expected to, but we all know that the sports world doesn’t always work like that. It was nice to see that his dad offered to pay & Nealer wouldn’t let him. Also, the laughter about the garage doors he damaged & his mama making him breakfast were great!!! Definitely ratings GOLD! Only problem now is that everyone will know how spectacular our Nealer is!

  7. Jess March 8, 2012 at 1:16 pm #

    Even though I am Canadian and have to wait a week to watch this in non-HD, I can already tell it’s going to be solid gold. NHL36 has really hit their stride and made these super entertaining. I think Patrick Kane should get a do-over (see what I did there? Everything is Blackhawks to me.) There is no way he is that dull. Either the editors dropped the ball or his creepy, spherical dad has Svengalied him to the point where we should all be concerned. Free PKane t-shirts, anyone?

    PS – I totally respect James Neal’s endeavours to keep his hair. I find hair loss in young men (I’m looking at you Tazer) and myself (following traumatic salon visit) deeply, deeply upsetting.

  8. Shi March 8, 2012 at 1:19 pm #

    I watched this with my husband last night. He may or may not have rolled his eyes at me more than once. It was probably because of the fit of giggles I broke out into everytime it came back from commercial.

  9. Amanda March 8, 2012 at 9:03 pm #

    I. Love. You.
    I was going to have to wait a WHOLE TWO MONTHS until I got home so I could watch the episode on my DVR.
    “You want to see the whole thing?”
    Is that a question? Don’t tease me!
    Oh my gosh, you guys at WUYS just work magic.

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