NHL Realigns. Emergency Staff Meeting.

6 Dec

Late last night, the NHL’s Board of Governors approved a radical realignment plan that will completely reshape the busted up, crooked nose, missing teeth face of the NHL.

Normally, things like this don’t confuse us.  We consider ourselves pretty sharp ladies with excellent hockey acumen (uh, we DID go to BU after all), especially when it comes to the inner workings of the NHL…but frankly this one is going to take a bit to wrap our heads around.

Okay…emergency WUYS staff meeting!  While Intern Jeff Skinner sets up the whiteboard and organizes all our colorful markers, allow us to break it down for you like “Breakin’ 2: Electric Boogaloo”.

  • Goodbye, two conference, six division setup.  Hello, four-conference set up based on geography.  Two conferences will have 8 teams, the other two will have 7.  But can someone explain to us how Florida and Tampa Bay ended up in a conference with Boston, Buffalo, and Ottawa?  Did the NHL even bother to look at a map?
  • Green light still needed from the Players.  NHLPA will get the chance to weigh in on the proposal, but the new structure should go into effect starting next season.  But we don’t see this not passing.  Highly doubt the league would have approved it if they did not feel that they would get support from the players.
  • Air travel makes the Sedin Twins Grumpy.  The new four-conference set up was drawn up because several of the Western Conference teams were unhappy with all the travel between one, two, sometimes even three time zones.  Also some of those teams says that the late start of road games in PST (10pm on East Coast) were affecting fan interest.  Uh, we’re kinda guilty here.  Hey, we love to watch the Sharks but we have things to do.  Like sleep.  How else do you think we maintain our beauty and youthful appearances?
  • NHL focuses their chi. Finds balance.  New alignment will allow the NHL to create a schedule where all teams (yes, ALL TEAMS) will play each other at least twice every season (one at home, one on the road).  This, we like. A lot.  It means that the fans will get to see every team and every superstar in the league, at least once.  We want to kiss the man who came up with this brilliant idea.
  • Our new Powerball numbers: 7-6-3-3-8-5-6-3-6-4-5.  In the seven-team conference, teams would play 6 times (3 @ home, 3 away).  In eight-team conference, teams would play either 5 or 6 times in a season, on a rotating basis (3 teams play each other 6 times, 4 teams play each other 5 times).  Uh, we don’t like this.  Too much math. Our brains hurt.
  • Stanley Cup Playoffs will become Steel Cage Death Match.  Only the top 4 teams in each conference would qualify for SCP.  1st vs. 4th, 2nd vs 3rd.  Four conference champs would meet in 3rd round of playoffs, with winners playing for the ultimate hardware.  So no more #8 seed upsetting the #1 seed.  *sadface* But those games were SO MUCH FUN!

Conferences are yet unnamed, but we really hope the NHL doesn’t go with something lame like North, Atlantic, Midwest, and West.  Actually, we’ve been brainstorming some awesome ones ourselves.

Quick, Jeffy – toss me that purple marker!

This is what we’ve come up with so far…

  • Adams Conference
  • Patrick Conference
  • Norris Conference
  • Smythe Conference
  • Campbell Conference
  • Wales Conference
  • Tim Thomas Conference
  • Panda Conference

What about you?  What would you name these four new conferences?

Right now, this radical realignment of our beloved NHL has yet to fully sink in.  Give us some caffeine and a hot minute.

Check in with us next season to see how we truly feel about the whole thing.

You know we’re going to have something hilariously clever to say.

13 Responses to “NHL Realigns. Emergency Staff Meeting.”

  1. Shi at 10:22 am #

    In regards to the weird Florida, Boston conference… I’ve heard speculation that it was done to boost ticket sales in the lesser markets (i.e Florida and Tampa) by hosting more Canadian teams, thus appealing to the “snow birds.” (aka the canadians who come down to spend the winters in FL’s toastiness) How boston got lumped in there, I’m not entirely sure.

  2. Lindsay at 10:41 am #

    I suspect they were doing their best to keep the rivalries together – Chicago/Detroit, Boston/Montreal, Rangers/Flyers, Pens/Flyers (seriously, who doesn’t have a rivalry with Philly?), Montreal/Toronto, Pens/Caps. But feel like the Islanders and Devils could have replaced Florida and Tampa.

    Thank god Vancouver and Chicago aren’t in the same conference. There’s no way I could stand to see them play six times a season. It’s bad enough they could someday play against each other FOR THE CUP. If that happens I’m taking the entire series off from work and sequestering myself somewhere safe.

    • Jess at 11:05 am #

      No! By splitting up Vancouver and Chicago (or Calgary and Chicago for that matter), that means Jonny… errr… I mean all the Blackhawks only come to town ONCE a year. But I agree about the stress that final would cause. My city already burned to the ground once. And that was the Bruins. I can only imagine…

  3. Jess at 11:07 am #

    Suggestions for Conference names:

    The One With Jonathan Toews
    The One with Sidney Crosby
    The One with Gabriel Landeskog
    The One With Tyler Seguin

    • Veronica at 11:13 am #

      How about this one Jess..

      The one with Jonathan Toews
      The one without Jonathan Toews
      The one who wishes they had Jonathan Toews
      The one with Jeff Skinner


      1. Jonathan
      2. Toews
      3. Captain
      4. Serious

      • Lindsay at 11:47 am #

        Veronica, you’re a genius. You too, Jess.

    • Lulu at 11:27 am #

      NOW you are talking names!

  4. Jess at 11:12 am #

    Also, I would like someone to explain to me how it’s fair that two conferences have 8 teams and two have 7…

    This is a sincere question.

    • Chuck at 11:21 am #

      Perhaps they plan on adding 2 new teams…or eliminating 2 teams…

  5. Pants at 11:15 am #

    SO MUCH PENGUINS VS. CAPITALS. Extremely happy Pants may have been controlling this with her mind. Random concessions were made in other conferences to accommodate as much Sid/Staal/Nealmobile/Flower/SexHair vs. Pooh/Piglet/Carlzner/Brooksy as possible. Sorry to you all for the inconvenience.

    And hey, Florida’s only a 3 hour flight. One trip, two teams, plus it’s a hell of a lot warmer than Ottawa in January. I’d be loving that setup.

  6. scott38 at 1:00 pm #

    Definitely a big shakeup by the league. Overall, this is a better balance for more teams than the old system. The big winners here are Detroit, Dallas and Columbus. Detroit gets to play more games against mid-west time zone teams (which means more people watching at a decent hour). Dallas also gets to avoid so many crazy games out of time zone, etc. Columbus gets a much better shot at making the playoffs, which is of primary importance to that club.

    However, you are overlooking perhaps the biggest benefit of the new system in terms of the playoffs. Assuming that there will be a re-seeding of teams based on points once you get the “final four” teams playing for the cup, depending on how that is done, you could end up with Bruins – Flyers for the Stanley cup…or Bruins – Rangers…or Bruins Penguins…or Edmonton – Detroit…or Rangers – Canadiens. The possibility of those finals is very exciting.

    • Chuck at 3:55 pm #

      The thought of a Bruins-Pens or a Bruins-Flyers SCF just has be giddy.
      Imagine the possibilities…and the insanity.

  7. Cassy at 5:18 pm #

    Sorry I’m late everyone. I got some blue markers for Jeff at Staples on my way, but I was perusing the emergency agenda and then got stuck trying to do the math on the Steel Cage Death Match and then got side-tracked thinking of Bruins v Pens and/or Flyers.

    I brought cookies!

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